. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

. Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to **** and make you feel happy to be on your way.

. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

. If you think nobody cares you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

. There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

. Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

. People are always available for work in the past tense.

. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

. A 44 magnum beats four aces.

. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

. Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

. People usually get what’s coming to them… unless it’s been mailed.

. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

. If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy … that person will find an easier way to do it.