. I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

. I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my lucks, and dodging deadlines.

. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

. He ended the job as he began it: fired with enthusiasm.

. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

. Americans have different ways of saying things. They say “elevator”, we say “lift”… They say “President”, we say “stupid psychopath.”

. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

. I may be drunk but you’re ugly. Tomorrow I’ll be sober.

. My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it…

. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

. Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease…

. If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink?

. Remember kids, once you have pulled the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.

. If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

. Booting error, no keyboard detected: press F1 to continue, press F2 to abort.

. You are shooting at your imaginary friend in front of 5000 kilogram of TNT?

. A program bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.

. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

. A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

. There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t.

. If a quiz is quizzical, what’s a test!!